Often times one hears it said that women are their worst enemies. Whether this is based on a known research or not is really not known. Yet those who hold this view has maintained their position without let over the years. Are they right then? Are women really their own enemies? Assistant Editor, CHINWE MADUAGWU, reports.
Unwana and Uzoamaka have been friends for close to 30 years. They met as young girls at their place of work and became friends.
A few years into the friendship, one became the direct boss of the other, perhaps someone was being mischievous, trying to see if the bond of friendship between the two could be broken, yet their friendship continued to blossom.
Friends and colleagues would ask them how they managed to remain friends without quarreling or gossiping about each, because that is the expectation.
Almost 30 years down the line, Unwana and Uzoamaka have remained staunch friends, loyal to each other, looking out for each other.
The case of Unwana and Uzoamaka is not peculiar. Women have formed great bonds of friendship that have lasted years and brought generations together.
Yet, there is a strong belief that women are their worst enemies. Is that truly the case? The Next Edition spoke to some women from different walks of life on their views.
Mrs. Ayo Yemisi Jaiyeola, says; “Women as enemies of themselves? Well, it shouldn’t really be, because we are the same. God made us the same way, the way he formed us. What would make me not like the other woman?
“As a person, I wouldn’t feel that way, that I shouldn’t like a fellow woman. I don’t want to be an enemy to another woman, but I’m looking at some features in our bodies. A woman is fat, she sees the other slim woman enjoying her husband’s love, she’s fat, her husband goes out looking for slim women.
“She is rich, her husband opened a shop for her, the other’s husband couldn’t get a business for her to do. And she is the pastor’s wife, she is travelling everywhere in the world and I’m just an usher in the church and I don’t get to be invited to any place. That makes a woman envy the other and then women in our world today have really volunteered themselves to be used against themselves. Men get some women to fight against women. Politically, we see where women are paid to run down a woman who is an opponent to a man. So women do it.
“As a widow, I want to reiterate the fact that women could really be enemies of themselves. You find out that in a family where a woman loses her husband, women are called to a meeting and they are told ‘tomorrow morning you are shaving that woman’s head, you are shaving her hair’ and they say okay tomorrow we will go to her house with sticks and if we get there she doesn’t agree, we will beat her up with the sticks, this is our culture, we have to shave her hair. They do not take to a factor that one day, if that happens to them, women will shave their hair. They are the ones who go to the woman to beat her up, tell her to wear sack cloth and drink the water used to bath her husband’s body. They are the ones who tell her she must sleep with the corpse for forty days. They are the ones who say that the property she is living in, her husband’s house, the mother in-law says they should eject her. The women do so.
“Coming back to politics, I have seen a lot of women who have the credibility to run for offices, but men paid women to run them down. It is a woman that goes after the husband of another woman. It is a woman in the church who is a secretary to the pastor that is going out with the pastor and hiding it from the pastor’s wife. It is a woman who found out that her friend is having a problem with another female friend and because she likes her friend, she becomes an enemy of the other woman.
“This practice of living as enemies of themselves is more rampant with the women folk. Men don’t have time for frivolities, they don’t have time for sentiments. There are some things we do that we are not supposed to be seen doing. I agree that women are enemies of themselves because as a widow also, in my husband’s family, there are women who don’t talk to me because I lost my husband, there are women who don’t talk to me because somebody told them not to talk to me, even though they are widows too, but because of the family interactions against me they had to give in to not becoming friends with me. Women are truly enemies of themselves. I agree and I concur with that.”
Another respondent who wishes to remain anonymous also concurs with the position. “To a large extent, I agree because with our nature , women are jealous of one another and because of jealousy, women can go to any length. When they see somebody whom they feel in some ways is better than them, it is either that they say terrible things about that person to drag her down or they can ostracise her.
“Men, on the other hand, don’t have time for such. Even in our places of work, when you have a woman as your head and you have other women working with you, some of the women, when they see that in every way you are better than them, they will be pestering you, even the boss. I’ve experienced it in my place of work. They were saying things like, ‘is it because she is using a vehicle, that we don’t have money to ride a car, that’s why she is puffing up.’ Meanwhile, you have not done anything to them. You dress well, your oga dislikes you and tries to make your life hell.
“A man will never do that to another man or even to a woman. They don’t have time. Men don’t have time for such things. But we as women, have time for frivolities, things that are not even important we attach importance to them. We try to pull ourselves down and that is very bad.”
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Ms. Joke Kujenya, Senior Investigative Journalist, Mentor and Media Trainer, responds thus; “For me, the answer is capital NO and I give you my reasons. The word, ‘enemy’ is a noun with its plural as “enemies.” Let’s then get the understanding to see if we know what we are talking about. Enmity (enemy) means “a person who feels hatred for, fosters harmful designs against, or engages in antagonistic activities against another; an adversary or opponent.” A second definition gives it as “an armed foe; an opposing military force; a hostile nation or state…”
From this we can see that “enemy” is a very harsh or strong word to use for mere differences in views or perspectives or ordinary disagreements.
“We all know that it is not possible in life that people agree on everything at every point in time. Man disagrees with man just as a woman can disagree with another woman. This does not mean they are automatically enemies. No!
“However, there have been some extreme cases in history where women vie to destroy each other or one another for reasons known to them. This trait also, we have seen displayed in men.
“A U.S. Study on this issue revealed that almost 90 percent of the 3,000-plus women surveyed expressed “currents of meanness and negativity emanating from other females. Another 85 percent admitted having suffered serious, life-altering knocks at the hands of other women.
“They reported that many of their female friendships had an ‘intense, sinister underbelly’, characterised by ‘intra-female incivility’ and insidious ‘gratuitous negativity’; while some 75 percent had been hurt by the jealousy and competition of a friend.”
“However, the term women, that is; “the nature, characteristics, or feelings often attributed to women; womanliness” – covers a whole range if not all female human species.
It is, therefore, not right to assume that all women are this way because several other women chose to either be aggressive or too lazy to investigate the causes or factors underlying their intolerant behaviours towards other women. That said, there are billions of women who are all about uplifting other women and others have built companies solely for this purpose.”
Mrs. Rakiya Zubairu, a media consultant, says; “ In the aspect of women being the ones that mete out the widowhood rites, it’s unfortunate. And the thing is, when they talk about these things, they look towards the East, particularly the Igbo culture. I’m from the North Central and I can tell you that widows have a hard time every where. So, the truth of the matter is that in that regard, I unfortunately have to agree with you. But it is the men who make up these rules and laws and then get the women to implement. That is quite unfortunate. But some people in their own ways have been able to escape those things.
“However, aside that, I don’t think women are their worst enemies. I’m someone who loves to mentor people. The biggest issue women have that is not allowing us to move forward is sexual harassment. Men use it to keep us down. They see a hard working woman who is not looking to use her “gifts” to enhance her life, men would say, ‘fine girl, why are you working so hard.’ Just to keep her down. So men use sex and sexual harassment to keep women down. So women are not their worst enemies. It’s the men that are our enemies.”
Looking at the issue from a different perspective, Mrs. Olubunmi Afolabi, still insists that women are their worst enemies. Her words; “I agree that women are their worst enemies. My reason are as follows: Most women believe they are beautiful when a man tells them so. A man should only confirm what you already know- you are beautiful. They allow themselves to have unprotected sex with a man they don’t know well or a man not serious about a future with them, then suffer when that irresponsible man leaves them pregnant.
“Women tend to listen to so many voices from different people telling them that they are second class to a man (especially in our part of the world) and forget to believe in themselves. Some women will date another woman’s husband yet foolishly hope that man will be loyal to them and marry them. Some women stay in an abusive relationship and make excuse that the man will change and lock herself in a prison till something that is beyond comprehension happens. Some women allow a man to silence and kill their dreams because they are married.”
In effect, Mrs. Ojo argues that a lot of women do not give much credit to themselves, but rather live their lives dependent on what others, men and women alike, think and say. In doing this, she feels a woman is putting herself down. She points out; “ Every woman has a purpose and dreams and does not need a man to accomplish them.”
Anna Quindlen, an American author and journalist, it was who said; “After all those years as a woman hearing’ not thin enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not that enough,’ almost overnight I woke up one morning and thought: I’m enough.”
Perhaps, if every woman realises that she is enough the way she is and envies not the other woman, then they can live with each other more peaceably. Still, whether women are their worst enemies remains a debatable issue.