It is usually said that any marriage that can survive the first two-three years has a better chance of standing the test of time. This is not a rule that is necessarily applicable to all couples, but the first year of marriage is usually the hardest with good reasons. The first year is a time of change, a new way of life begins. Irrespective of how long a couple courted, once they get officially married the dynamic of the relationship tends to change. This is just expected as a marriage makes their union official in every sense of it.
The first year also brings together two people from different backgrounds living together, if they were not already living together. It also brings together mannerisms and a constant presence that was not the norm before to either person. Even for couple who lived together before, there are still adjustments to be done.
There are certain things to consider in the first year, if the frictions that are bound to occur must be overcome easily.
Money
This is the subject that causes the most argument between any couple. Some couples address the topic head on while others prefer to skirt around the issue. It is better to sit down together as a new couple starting new home and possible a family to discuss instead of avoiding it. Talking about income and how it will be spent is very necessary. With finance, there will always be things you can’t plan for but the major things can be planned and budgeted for.
Make provision for a miscellaneous fund as well. If you want to go a step further, plan for money that will be spent on leisure e.g. date nights, weekend getaways, etc. Decide on what will be saved as well and how that will be done. It may seem a bit morbid but being open and planning about things like life insurance and making a will eliminates confusion in the event of anything happening to either person. Once the hard discussion is out of the way, the rest is easy. You only discuss it as matters arise and as a means of keeping track.
In-laws
This is a group of people a new couple will have to deal with after they are married especially in typical Nigerian marriages. This matter needs to be handled very delicately and presenting a united front is key. Discuss how often you will visit parents and what stipends you want to be giving them and how often. Talk about siblings also and how you want to handle them. Do you wish to have any come live with you? If any family member comes to stay temporarily, how often will that happen? How long should it be? If one partner is the type that likes to have a lot of family around and the other isn’t, a compromise will have to be reached before it becomes a point of contention.
Comparisons
If there is one thing that can cause problems in the blink of an eye in a relationship it’s comparisons. In a new marriage, it is downright deadly. Comparing each other to past relationships in a new can make the other person feel unwanted and unsure. It tells the other person you may be regretting your choice in deciding to marry them. This may not be the intent that is why it’s best to avoid it. Comparisons doesn’t only happen when you compare each other to an ex. It can also happen by comparing the way things are done in the household, how staff are managed, etc. It is important to remember that each of you came from two separate backgrounds.That doesn’t mean either was wrong.
A new marriage is a time to adopt new ways and see what works in your household. There are better ways to pass a message across without comparing.
Expectations
Expectations are another common cause of discontentment in a new marriage. It’s best to talk about what you expect from each other and from the marriage. Be realistic and frank in deciding which can be met and those that can’t. Bear in mind that the dynamics in a marriage can change from time to time.
Intimacy
It is important as newly married couples to pay attention to being intimate; not just physically but emotionally. Coming from a courtship where you were probably very attuned to each other, it’s good enough not to allow the pressures of marriage to change this. Decide to make time for each other as often as possible, even if it’s just to sit and talk without distractions.
Time to Self
As much as a new couple needs to have time to be intimate with each other, time to self is just as important. Time out helps especially when either person feels stuck in a domestic routine. Time out doesn’t have to be one week away from each other. It can be a weekend away at a friend’s or in a hotel or even a spa appointment that recharges you for two-four hours depending. Time to self always gives you back your perspective and lives you recharged and re-energized.
Housework
This doesn’t need to be discussed at length but it is important as well. During the first year of marriage, the house is still young. There are no kids or in house staff. There’s nothing wrong with each person pitching in when possible. Two thirds of women say that men don’t do housework and are untidy. In Nigerian marriages while the men are expected not to do chores, there’s nothing wrong with helping out and not adding to the workload. Sometimes even sitting in the kitchen with your wife while she cooks will be greatly appreciated. For the annoying personal habits that are bound to crop up, try and ignore the ones you can live with. Gentle and playful reminders about the ones you can’t will work better as well.
Power Struggle
In a new marriage, each person is trying to figure out where they stand, how they can influence the other to agree to their opinions and all that. The best way to end the power struggle before it even starts is to agree, not agreeing all the time does not mean you are not united. Sometimes you will have to agree to disagree. Decide to always find a common ground where possible and compromise when needed.
READ ALSO: 5 Questions to Ask Yourself before Marriage
Career Goals
During the first year of marriage couples need to decide if they want to pursue their career goals as a team or if starting a family will start right away and then which career will need to be put on a back burner for the time being. Both partners must agree as sidelining one person can lead to discontentment.
Children
For a new couple, the timing to start a family will need to be discussed. Even when you are both ready to start immediately, you still need to plan for it. If this isn’t happening as quickly as you would wish, the new couple needs to discuss how they intend to go about it so as to protect their relationship.
These and many more are some of the stressors in the first year of a marriage and they should be exhaustively dealt with. Here’s hoping they have given you food for thought if you are newly married. You may also share it with people who are intending to get married to guide them as well.