Nobody understands. How could she do it? Why did she do it after all these years? An affair after 25 years of marriage and three grown-up children? What is she still looking for? What has God not blessed her with? Her husband is well- to-do, healthy and the children are doing well. But Madam B did it and it’s done. She’s 52 and is cheating on her husband. It’s hard to understand, I guess, but it happened and somewhere, as you read this, it is probably happening again. Older women stepping out on their spouses. There are researches to even prove that it’s not a Nigerian thing. So, why are grandmas having affairs?
Let’s look at the case that inspired this column today. I must confess, I can’t tell you all the wheres and wheretofore. Just that I get to hear things, all kinds of things but this one I’m sharing.
Madam B and Uncle Akin have been married for 25 years and have three grown-up boys who schooled and are schooling in Canada. Meaning: the nest is empty. It is just the couple and their domestic staff now at home. The problem is that Akin is hardly around. Madam B was once a top executive in a bank but is now retired with plenty of time on her hands. She goes to the gym four times a week, parties at weekend to keep herself busy.
According to her, she goes to those parties just to fill time and space. “The truth is I have been lonely for a long time now. Even when I was in the bank, my husband hardly had time for me. He was either on one long trip or the other or hanging out with his friends. There was always one meeting or the other in Nigeria or abroad. Yes, he picked his bills and we were comfortable but I hardly saw him. As a working woman, my job kept me busy, and tired at the end of the day and at weekends. I coped better then. I knew he had girlfriends too but he kept them away as much as he could, but I knew most of the time, though.
“However, the last three years have been really difficult. I run a consultancy now and rarely go out. Meanwhile, Akin is still as busy as ever. When I complained of his absences and my loneliness, he laughed it off, and told me to go and spend more time with my children. He asked if old women get lonely. But I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel any different from how I felt 10 years ago. I’m also one of these women that reach menopause late. My sexual needs are still there but over and above the needs for sex is the need to be with my husband, spend time with my man. But he was hardly ever here. I eat alone, sleep alone and watch television alone.
“It got so bad I’d started sitting on the balcony and chatting with the gardener while he worked. So, this thing with Daniel just happened. My husband had not made love to me in seven months. When he was home, he was too tired to do more than a kiss and a hug. Dan is a divorcee who used the same gym with me. We were both two lonely people killing time in the gym. He makes me laugh. We share the same taste in novels and entertainment generally. One thing led to the other and we had breakfast together, then dinner, then, we got intimate.
“At first, I was ashamed, so ashamed that I couldn’t go to church the following Sunday. I felt really dirty. It’s the first time in 25 years that another man was seeing my nakedness. I felt guilty but somehow, felt alive, good, like a woman again. It’s been six months now since Daniel and I started this and I must confess that it has been fun. I’ve lost weight and I’m making efforts to keep Dan interested. My husband still comes and goes, thinking, I guess, I’m an old woman who should be worried about her blood pressure, be more concerned about her children’s welfare and not sex. Dan thinks I’m fine old wine to be savored. We’re secret lovers eating the forbidden fruit that for now, is too delicious for me to spit out.’
Madam ‘B’ has not been caught pants-down yet but we can generally declare her guilty. Of what? Infidelity. But what is her husband guilty of or is he clean and innocent? He’s the wronged party who didn’t deserve to be cheated on? No such thing. Let’s be realistic. Uncle Akin left his farm unattended to and now weeds are choking everything he’d planted in 25 years.
Women do not outgrow attention. It’s the way God created us. Yes, some women have more control on their libido than others. Many can cope with loneliness better than others. But all women are susceptible to temptation. Those juices that ran riot in her veins when you first set her on fire all those years never really dry up. All her hotspots are still hot. She can have them cooling, hibernating for a long time but activation is only a click away. The right finger on the right buttons and voila, the hotspots come alive, all energized and raring to go.
Some women have capacity to resist temptation. Many manage to flee when they see taut muscles and hear mean husky voices. But there are still married women, an appreciable percentage, who think it is easier to fall into temptation than to resist it. Those ones feel first and think later.
Lesson? A woman is a woman forever. There is no retirement age for wanting to be doted on, pampered and fussed over. Maybe at 80, sex is no longer a thing but until she no longer wants it, my man, you’ll do well not to starve her because there is always a willing sexy Daniel not far away.
We all have needs that don’t just go away because of a few strands of grey hair here and there. According to a new study by the Institute for Family Studies, ‘the older you are, the more likely you are to cheat. 20 per cent of married people over the age of 55 have had extramarital sex while only 14 per cent of those under 55 have cheated. Couples in their 50s and 60s however, were the most likely to cheat.
What is worse? The numbers of older couples cheating on their spouses are on the rise. So, darling friend, this is reality. Not a gladdening one but if you leave your gates wide open, who can you blame if pretty slim girls or virile hunks slide in and melt all over your ice cream?
